Please Don't Kiss Me

I watched the movie “20th Century Women” recently.

There’s a scene where the main character, a 50-year-old mom, goes to the bar with her handyman and a 20-something girl who lives in her building. She’s attempting to understand the 70s and the world her 16-year-old son is growing up in. At the bar, the handyman leans over and kisses the mom out of nowhere. She pulls away and asks him, “What does that mean?”. He stumbles over his words and can’t find an answer.

“What does that mean?”  

How scary would it be if you kissed someone and they asked you that? Would you be able to answer? Would you tell them the truth?

The instant gratification of being kissed is truly intoxicating. You have the serotonin and dopamine releasing, making us feel good and want more. There’s the associated feelings of being desired and attractive. Those emotions lead to affection and potential attachment that we risk every time we choose kiss someone. In just a simple act, we have completely changed the chemical levels in someone else’s brain and shifted their emotional state.

So why are you kissing them?

I don’t think I’m the only one who’s asked herself this question mid-kiss, but if I am, bear with me. I will admit that I have kissed people out of self-destruction, loneliness, and frustration. I’ve also kissed people out of connection, desire, and true intimacy. I’ll let you guess which of those situations lead to the least amount of confusion and tears.

Of those intimate situations I put myself and another person in (yes, I believe that kissing is intimate), I walked away from the ones where I knew where my heart was with little regret. They didn’t always work in my favor. I didn’t get the magical connection after the kiss that we’ve all seen on TV. Simply, I knew where my heart stood and tried for my happiness, and I am proud of myself for that.

However, I’ve also been on the mom’s side of the question. “Why are they kissing me? What does that mean?”

I can’t truly answer that, and that’s the scariest part.

By asking that simple question, I will have to put my ego and emotions at risk. I will have to relinquish the chemical high that I will crave for so much sometimes. I will know how drunk they are. I will know the truth about their feelings toward me. I will know why, and I will have to accept that it may not be a good reason.

“You don’t kiss a woman unless you know what you mean by it.”

That’s the mom’s answer to the handyman’s stumbling, and the scene ends with the handyman opening up about how empty and lonely he feels. He soon stops blindly jumping from body to body to fill the emotional void.

I think it’s time for me to stop too.