To Be Alone, but Not Feel Alone

I was comfortable with being alone before quarantine started. Combine a high anxiety level with a high energy level, and you have me: a girl who is very good at keeping herself busy. This time has allowed me to grow as a writer, look into different career opportunities, and learn about new topics such as politics and non-fiction writing. It’s also allowed me to sit with myself and listen not only to my body, but I’ve been forced to listen to my head and heart.

One day – yes, they are still individual days – I had a terrifying realization:

I don’t want to be alone.

A desire? How frustrating! Of course, with this revelation sitting in the front of my mind with nothing substantial to distract me, I was forced to dive deeper and found it to be something even worse. A romantic desire? How infuriating! I’m not supposed to have those! I’m supposed to be an independent woman who don’t need no partner and is going to be successful because she works hard. That was the plan.

Because I love to plan. I set big goals supported by interim goals with deadlines and checkpoints. I am constantly looking for a better way of achieving success and joy. I have worked so hard over the years to love myself and build a life that supports who I’ve become. The thought of what I’ve done not being enough hurt, and combined with losing most of what I thought to be “normal”, I soon fell into weeks of confusion and depression. And that was not part of the plan.

Then again, a global pandemic wasn’t part of the plan either.

Working a lot and not giving myself time to reflect and heal has allowed me to ignore the aspects of my life I am unhappy with. I’ve known that. My friends know that I do that. What I didn’t know is how many past traumas, hidden desires, and unspoken truths I was pushing down. Honestly, it was terrifying to face all of that alone.

Soon after this realization, I started tele-therapy as a way to not burden the people around me with all of the personal unrest I had discovered. What started as a desire to not overbear the people I care about has turned into emotional growth and healing that I told myself I didn’t need. I’ve been able to talk about aspects of myself and my life that I would not let myself think about before. I am happier, and when I am sad, I know that it’s okay and don’t try to fight it.

I would have never confronted these issues if I wasn’t forced to sit alone with them.

We are all joking about the constant existential crises happening on a daily basis, but truly, I hope that you give yourself the chance to feel your emotions at full force even though it may be overwhelming. I hope that no matter how much the pandemic has changed in your life, that you give yourself the time and space to heal from what you have lost and what has hurt you either now or in the past.

It’s been ninety-eight days of living alone. It’s been one hundred eleven days of being unemployed. It’s been fifty-eight thousand five hundred extra minutes of solitary opportunity and crisis.

We’ve had a lot of time to think.