Yoga Doesn't Fix Everything

In 2018, I was working at a summer program for middle schoolers, and one of the activities I lead was a morning yoga practice. One day, back in the office, I was talking about that morning’s session when one of my coworkers chimed in and said “I hate yoga”. I was quite put off by this, and we ended up in a conversation where I learned her point of view. We found that my favorite aspect of yoga is the part that she fundamentally dislikes: the constant ability and desire to do more and go deeper. It’s been two years, and I still go back to that conversation on days like this.

I did yoga for the first time in three months on Monday.

You’re probably not surprised that me, a 22-year-old, vegan, gluten free, white girl, has been doing yoga for a while, right? I started practicing my sophomore year of high school and have been doing it on & off for almost nine years now. I’ve lead fellow students in daily practice while studying abroad. I’ve attempted to teach middle schoolers while working at that summer program. Whether by myself or with others, I’ve found yoga as both a bonding experience and an escape from interior and exterior stresses.

So why would I stop practicing in the middle of a pandemic?

Since I’ve lost my “normal” practice, being reminded of that is the tree branch I trip on right before falling into the rabbit hole. I’ve lost the designated place outside of my space to practice. I’ve lost the ever growing and changing in-person community that yoga builds. I’ve lost my instructors who would help me push myself a little further, open my hips a little wider, and keep breathing as I started to fall over in eagle pose. All of the aspects of yoga I’ve loved the most were gone in an instant, and my desire to do it for myself left with them.

As I sit in my mini existential crisis, the phrase “I bend so I don’t break” has been on a loop in my head. You know? It’s the phrase that’s on the yoga t-shirts and wooden hanging signs. I’ve been bending for over nine years, and yet, I broke this weekend. I slipped into old ways and completely fell apart. If I’ve been in therapy and actively take care of myself, I shouldn’t break when I’m faced with overbearing stress and trauma, right?

Wrong. A yoga teacher taught me the saying “It’s the action you take after the emotion that makes the difference.” That can mean anything. That can mean revisiting old hobbies and activity that brought joy. That can be trying something new to add to your healing process. That can be shutting down and watching Disney movies all day. That can be breaking down, remembering how far you’ve come, and realizing that you needed to let yourself go a bit; sometimes, you need to re-break a bone in order for it to fully heal.

Listen to your head and your heart because they’re gonna force you to anyways.