Goodbye, 20; you were a party.
Dear Twenty,
For the past 11 months, I’ve fallen and pulled – or been pushed by those around me – in and out of complaining spells. The inconveniences and frustrations of your existence has often taken over my thoughts and conversations as I have been longing for the “last birthday” of my adult life: Twenty-One. Now, as this never-ending year is coming to a close, I finally see why I’ve been so ready for you to go.
So I raise my glass to you, Twenty, and all of the remarkable life-changing moments you’ve held:
To completing my first long-term goal. Five years in the works, my goal of going to an out-of-state college and graduating in three years was completed on May 31st, 2018. The knowledge I gained, the people I met, and the experiences I had will stay with me forever, and I have proven to myself that the long game does end in a glorious victory.
To the family I knew falling apart. The fraying ropes that held us together finally broke, and you forced me into a state of confusion and anger. Now, watching from afar as the family I once knew continues to attempt to restructure, I see the growth that can come from destruction. I understand the familial love that keeps us together, and I am lucky to have support from and to support the family I love so much.
To the film that changed everything. Nothing can describe the feeling when people came together from across the country to support my creative vision. In one week, I gained a filmmaking family who I can never thank enough for the time and creativity they gave so freely to me. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such incredible artists and friends In my life.
To the last job I will work solely for the money. In my desperate attempt to reach financial stability, I have realized I cannot live if I am not doing what I love. I have stopped convincing myself to love what I do not and to work harder when I find what I love. To quote the incredible Wes Chapman “You do it, and you don’t give up. No matter what, you can’t quit.”
To finding the inspiration to write a feature film. Starting to call myself a writer felt strange, but as I am finishing my first feature film screenplay on spec, I have completed a career goal I didn’t see myself doing for a very long time. I am learning from the mentors and peers surrounding me, and I am excited to continue writing stories of working women and where to find them.
To the sexual assault that I thought broke me. The sleepless nights, the hours of crying, and the days of feeling crushed, scared, and unable to breath are times that I will never get back. For 2 months, I thought I was over; I still can’t describe the anger and sadness that took over every part of my life. However, it always gets better, and 4 months after, I am now in one of the happiest points of my life. I did not think I would get here, but I am; I’m not letting anyone else take this away from me.
To living out of my car. Driving over 20,000 miles in less than a year and taking everything I own – the three UHaul boxes & a suitcase – with me every step of the way was life changing. The inability to find a place to put down my boxes was disheartening, but now, the past month has been the safest I’ve felt in a very long time. I have a place to call home, and I’m so happy to be in Atlanta.
To being unemployed and not knowing why. Post-grad life is the worse, and the months of sending applications with nothing but empty inboxes and voicemail boxes in return slowly but surely eats away at the human spirit. However, I’ve finally been lucky enough to find a job in my field and begin gaining experience in the world I want to work in for as long as I can.
To the friends who helped me along my journey. In the past year, I have reconnected with people I never thought I would speak to again. The support from past friends has lifted my spirits more than they will ever know. The friends I have continuously have given their support and love, and while I was in my lowest points in this past year, they have been there to help me pull myself up. I can look back and say “I did it on my own because I had friends reminding me I could”. Again, I am the luckiest girl in the world.
To finding my voice. My life has been extraordinarily eventful since before I can remember. There has never been a moment where I haven’t been happy, scared, angry, uncomfortable, or utterly awestruck. With this life, what I have experienced, what I have seen through the eyes of those around me, and the ever changing environments I’ve found myself, I have found clarity as a writer and a filmmaker & see what I need to say through my work.
And with all this, I wish you farewell Twenty. You have been one of the most defining years of my life. Thank you for reminding me that it will always get better and all of the moments that life gives us. You’ve been a party.
Best,
Lisa Rae Bowman