Said, but Not Yet Done

So, I put my hand through a window last week killing a fly. I’m fine. The window was not. Everything has been taken care of now, but I keep talking about it. I truly thought I had just tapped the window, and yet, a full pane shattered at the touch of my fingertips. When I shared this with my closest friends, many of them were laughing through their concerns as I was. However, one of them said something that hasn’t left me, and I don’t think it ever will.

You’re stronger than you know.

My aunt forced me to objectively look at what has happened in my life during the past six months because I’ve had four of the biggest stress triggers occur: death, move, loss of job, and sexual trauma. That being said, I’m really happy that I started therapy at the start of quarantine. I was able to address deep traumas and issues and release those emotional weights to process my current state which is, in every sense, messy and confusing. However, no matter how much therapy or healing I do, those big four came back to back, and I am feeling it.

That’s just me.

Jacob Blake was shot seven times in front of his children. Breonna Taylor’s murders still hold their jobs in law enforcement. The earth dies quickly as some scramble and some turn a blind eye to its wounds. Our presidential election is coming up quick, and I pray every day that America does the right thing and saves this country from the inept authoritarian dictator that is attempting to take over. Billionaires are profiting while people who need money the most are begging for employment. The pandemic rages on while people waste time arguing about it.

We’ve been talking about these issues for the past six months, and yet, here we are. In what seems like the same place.

I run on hope. No matter how much I try to sober or humble myself, I have high hopes for myself, those I hold close, and the world. I haven’t been running on empty yet which is why I’m probably exhausted, but I have good reason to. People who I didn’t know would raise their voices have. I have watched people change on the individual level about global, national, and personal issues and are addressing their behaviors and decisions. I am watching social media not silence or turn a blind eye when injustice continues. I am watching people grow into their new state of normal as enlightened, awoken individuals.

I am watching myself keep moving forward. I am tired and scared and anxious, yet I wake up every day smiling and cannot explain it. This time next week, I’ll be writing from Brooklyn, living with my two close friends, eating some amazing food, and taking the first steps in this fresh start.

And there’s still so much yet to happen.