For When It Doesn't Matter Anymore

I was a junior in high school in 2014. It was five years ago.

My face was covered in hives and bloodblisters, I was about 10 pounds heavier, and I was shopping for my junior prom dress. I had the biggest crush on a guy named Joey, and my dear friend Kat had somehow convinced him to come to the prom after his ACT test for me. Therefore, I had to look better than ever, and my prom dress had to be perfect. I spent an entire Saturday trying on dress after dress after dress to find the absolute perfect dress for this one night. My mom, on the other hand, spent an entire Saturday trying to convince her frantic daughter that this dress wouldn’t matter in 5 years.

My mom was right; it doesn’t matter anymore. In fact, I think that dress is still hanging in my little sister’s closet, collecting dust, never being worn again.

If only my 16 year old self would have known that my mother was right – please do not tell her I said that – and that none of the bullshit from high school would matter anymore. If only she knew that what matters so much right now will not matter at all. That Saturday could have been spent with friends or studying or doing anything else that wouldn’t have riddled me with the fear that I wasn’t going to look good enough for a boy I couldn’t even speak to without turning as red a tomato.

However, in that moment, my junior year prom dress was what mattered, even though I was being told it wasn’t. The way I was feeling was real, and someone who had experienced more than I had was trying to invalidate how I felt. Of course, it sounds harsh when I put it that way, but it’s true. We are surrounded with people who have experienced what we are going through, and sometimes a “it’s not gonna matter” or a “it’ll get better” feels like a “get over it” or a “no one cares”.

6 months ago, I had my first day as a production assistant. 6 months before that, I was filming my final film as a college student. 6 months before that, my parents separated. I can go back through my life and remember the things that felt like the end of the world. I remember how I felt the carpet being pulled from under my feet, holding back tears as I pushed myself up off the concrete.   

No matter how stupid or silly or awful or ridiculous or perfect something may seem, it’s real right now. Moments become memories, and those memories are the factual evidence of how you became who you are. That’s the facts.

One day 6 months or 10 years from now when you remember that prom dress, that first job, that awful hangover, I hope you smile and see how far you have come.

Best,

Lisa Rae Bowman