I Think I'm On The Right Track

I really told myself I would stop writing this blog. That was dumb.

I had a job interview yesterday. The gentleman had taken the time to read my blog beforehand, and in the interview, he took my piece This Is My Job Application – I really screwed myself with that one – and broke it down sentence by sentence. He loved it, and I truly wasn’t ready for how joyful and invigorated his analysis of my writing had left me. I wrote that post out of bitterness that turned to hope, and he felt and empathized with that moment in my life.

Since I stopped writing this blog, I have folder upon folder, full of drafts of short fictions, partial feature-length screenplays, and blog posts waiting to see the light of day. I also have a million other ideas, ambitions, intentions, and goals that are constantly being sorted for level of importance. Though I love all of the work I do, I never know what to say when someone asks me, “What do you do?”.

When I was younger, I was told that I would find my “thing”: my passion, calling, destiny, or whatever other buzzword college brochures used in an attempt to tell me I needed their institution to be successful. I’ve struggled with attempting to label myself and follow that label to the success I feel that I need. I’ve tried to determine my destiny with a single word and have failed every single time. Yet, here I am, happier than I’ve ever been and still having no clue what I am doing.

In this season of healing, I send these final words to the people I thought I would be.

To the orthodontist,

Yes, you could have gone to med school, but you hate bloody gums and the thought of causing people discomfort. You would’ve hated your work and the student loans within a couple years of graduating. You were not meant to be an orthodontist. Thank goodness for the people that are.

To the dancer,

You were always the right body type. You were never too fat or too short like people made you believe. You just hate repetition and get bored easily. You can still dance and not be a dancer.

To the financial analyst,

You just wanted to have money. Yes, you are good at research and data analysis, but you really just wanted money. You wouldn’t have been happy. This was a dumb idea.

To the international business woman,

You have the leadership skills. You love to travel and learn about other cultures. You would have done great. However, this isn’t the dream you followed, and that’s okay. You wouldn’t be where you are today if you had.

To the Oscar-winning film director,

This might happen. This might not. You keep telling stories that matter no matter what happens. That is what you love, and you don’t need a tiny gold figure to validate that. You’ll find another occasion to wear a Zuhair Murad dress. Or you won’t. That’s okay.

And to the person I am today,

The twenty-three-year-old who continues to grow, learn, admit when she is wrong, and fight for what she believes in. The person who spends too much money on bagels and empanadas and will still trying to buy all of her friends’ drinks at the bar. The person who loves people and wants others to know they are loved and important. The person sitting here, writing the blog she told herself she would never go back to.

You are a real human being who lives authentically, and that is a success in and of itself.