I Want You To Hold My Hand

Repost from October 22nd, 2020

What a messy, scary process being in a relationship is.

Also, I’m in a relationship? I truly never thought I would find someone, let alone a man, who I would feel intimately and emotionally safe with. I accepted the fact that I was “damaged goods” and that my trauma was too much for any romantic partner to handle. I believed that I would forever be recognized as just the girl who was sexually assaulted.

Yet here I am, counting down the days until I am back in the arms of my incredible, long-distance boyfriend.

Before we met, my boyfriend had no idea about my assault or coming forward. He had no preview of the past I had shaped myself out of. We met in person through a friend, and there was an instant connection and attraction. Apparently, those movie scenes when eyes meet can happen in real life, but no big deal though, right? I can just hang out with a guy I met. Plus, I am moving across the country in two weeks anyways. This is no big deal.

Timing is a bitch and a blessing.

When I realized how much I cared about this man, I was terrified. I couldn’t make eye contact. I trembled with anxiety. For the past five years, most of my emotional connections haven’t been with healthy, caring people. My brain associates emotional intimacy with abuse and pain, and it began projecting the trauma I had gone through before on to this man. I was terrified of this person because I felt safe and happy with them, and that scared me more. I spent the rest of my time in Atlanta so enamored by this man and simultaneously trying to screw up what we had so that I wouldn’t have to confront these emotions.

That didn’t happen. My drive up to New York was filled with hours of talking and learning about each other. More each day, he became the first person I wanted to share with. He would call me first and want to hear about my day and if I was feeling okay. He was understanding when my trauma was so intense that I would shut down. He was patient as I worked through my insecurities about starting a relationship. Without even trying, we had built a relationship with such open and clear communication that I had stopped questioning my desires without even realizing it.

However, my anxieties didn’t just magically go away. I still have days where I am terrified of my emotional connection to him. My trauma still makes its regular guest appearance in the middle of conversations or thoughts, and I have to make the time to cope and grow with its waves. My brain will attack me for being attracted to such an incredible person and the potential emotional pain that comes with vulnerability. I struggle through my fears of reliance as I learn what it means to be in my first healthy relationship. On top of all of that, it’s not easy to be in a long distance relationship for a million different internal and external reasons.

But some people are worth it, and he is. Wild.